By Amelia Robinson – Dayton Daily News
According to eyewitness accounts, the youngest bridezilla in the history of the world exploded last week at the Target near the Dayton Mall.
There was gnashing of teeth and crocodile tears after the little angel didn’t get exactly what she wanted – a glossy bridal magazine.
As a source close to the investigation reports, the 5-year-old tenderly asked her mom to purchase the magazine that no doubt features tips on floral centerpieces design and “something blue.”
“The mother said, ‘No, we’re not getting married anytime soon’,” my source reveals. “The little girl went nuts and said, ‘But, I want to get married!’ ”
Not to say I don’t relate to this child, but when I was that age, I was more concerned with developing a career as a shoeless tap dancer and/or an internationally known jelly and peanut butter swirler.
But alas, kids think the darnedest things and love fairy tales.
I was no different. OK, a little different.
For years and years, I thought my grandfather’s bodiless friend lived under his four post bed. The disembodied head, Frank, would roll out every morning to discuss the Cuban missile crisis with my grandpa.
There was no reason for my irrational thinking. My granddad never spoke of Frank and I never actually saw him (or did I?).
But in my head there was a head named Frank — and in that little girl’s brain there was a million dollar wedding to plan.
The mother was blocking progress.
The girl probably has a very good reason to think she’ll nab a husband by second grade.
It seems the thing to do — nearly 2.2 million couples said I do in 2008, according to TheWeddingReport.com.
And if that little girl doesn’t do it by, let’s say 23, she figures she’ll be a big, fat loser with a hairy face mole and Sour Patch Kids in her teeth.
Not to say having a lavish wedding ceremony isn’t wonderful, (it can be), but come on?
Why is being matched with a man and parading around in an expensive white dress still so critical to a woman’s identity?
Aren’t there other fantasies little girls should be having, too?
All things bridal are everywhere. Look no further than chick flicks like “29 Dresses.”
And more are likely to come a TV set near you.
Rainbow Media Holdings last week announced the launch of the Wedding Central channel and www.wedcentral.com.
The Web site and channel, now only available on Cablevision in New York, will feature weddings and relationship stuff all the time.
Shows include “My Big Fat Fabulous Wedding,” “I Do … Let’s Eat!,” and “Bride vs. Bride.”
It seems the tiny bridezilla isn’t the only one obsessed with wedding fairy tales.
According to Rainbow, the company behind We-TV, the women who like bridal programming are most likely to be in their 30s with a median income of about $58,000. They are 33 percent likely to have a household income of more than $100,000 and make the key decisions about household purchases.
With that in mind, it’s a wonder there aren’t more major meltdowns at Target over glossy magazines.